life lately
everything is a win when the goal is to experience
I’m not sure if it was Julia Cameron who said that if you didn’t know where to start, you could begin by describing where you found yourself. So here I am: on a physical level, I’m typing this cross-legged on my bed, sipping ginger-lemon tea because I just came in from outside and it’s so freaking cold. When I told people I was moving to Denmark, everyone kept telling me “Oh, you’re going to freeze”. Up until now I was doing alright, but it is starting to shift, and I can tell the following three months are going to be hard. In a few weeks the sun will set before 4 p.m. and the cold will be real.
I always find this time of the year strange. Things start getting festive earlier and earlier, or at least it feels that way. Christmas decorations used to appear at the end of November; now it’s right after Halloween. Why aren’t we allowed to live in the present? We’re always propelled toward the next big thing, and then after Christmas we are just thrown into two long months of winter with no celebrations in sight. My relationship to Christmas is unclear: I used to like it as a kid, now I dread family reunions and prefer to spend it just around my parents and grandparents. I do love gift-giving though, and cooking and baking treats. I love my independence— living alone — so I’m a bit worried about going home for Christmas. But of course I want to see them. And skipping almost a month of Danish winter is going to be a nice shortcut.
I’m getting ahead of myself. I was supposed to describe where I’m writing this from. My bedroom is decent, but not fully furnished. I want to write something one day about how hard it is to live abroad temporarily — how you crave a home in everything but can’t properly build one because you know it has an expiry date. You try not to get attached to things or people, but that’s impossible, at least for me. To live fully you have to let yourself attach. But materially, I’m keeping it minimal.
Yesterday I bought myself a small bouquet of tulips at Rema 1000. Orange and yellow. I can see them from my bed. They are blooming and I hope they last the week. I also gathered a couple of props from last night— I went to a Hawaiian-themed dorm party — a Hawaiian bracelet and a silver streamer. hey’re hanging on my corkboard now. This morning the sun was out, but now the main light in the room is the laptop I’m typing on. It’s cloudy again, and the forecast says the sun will return in a few hours, but that’s basically sunset, so the promise isn’t convincing.
That’s where I am physically. As for where I’m standing mentally or spiritually these days, we could say that as my 25th birthday approaches, I can feel my frontal lobe almost developed — I’m kidding. But maybe the thought is a useful placebo. Moving countries or changing jobs can unlock versions of yourself you didn’t know. It’s the freedom to become the you you’ve always imagined.
When I was 20 and moved to England for Erasmus, I found people telling me I was bubbly and social, when back home I had been told I was shy and bad around people. As you already know if you’ve been reading this Substack, my first month and a half here has been intense, and I feel like I’m dealing with everything in a much more mature way than I would’ve a year and a half ago.Heartbreak is always going to be there and some things do hurt and will for some time but I feel proud of the way I’m still able to feel this hope and gratefulness in my heart — about being able to live in a beautiful place, have two legs that allow me to go on long walks and enjoy the view, feel the sun on my face, listen to my favourite songs… might sound cheesy but when you place value in small things and make every day feel special it can make a difference. I’m also trying to value everything as an experience.
Of course I sometimes panic about turning 25. Quarter life crisis! Am I more lost now than I was at 22? At 20? I wouldn’t repeat the last five years. They were full of good moments but also many hardships that shaped the woman I am today ( and when is a girl allowed to call herself woman? Still figuring that out). I’m scared of not getting the life I want — not finding love, not becoming a mom, not feeling accomplished in what I do. These fears are there. But for now, I’m trying to enjoy the ride and focus on what I can control, which isn’t much.
If I’ve learned anything in this quarter of a century, it’s that luck (or fate?) holds more power than we’d like to admit. We don’t control much — only how we react. And for me, humour, art, and affection are what have kept me afloat during the worst times.